Weekly goals

Today 170.9 FAT BIATCH!!

So I'm back home, after spending like a month with my dads, its back to finding some form of reality. I'm quite out of the swing of things, and gona end up crazy if I don't get a grip of it!!

Sent this week my goals are

1) get my damn house straight
2) be super nice to my husband, iv waste to much time not making the best of my situation, which i should.
3) to only have 2 DVD afternoons with the kids next week...it's so damn cold and snowy that we keep getting wrapped up on the sofa and being lazy.

And also...I will get under 170 and stay there!! Three meals a day, but small and mostly veg! One hot choc in the evening, and maybe one piece of fruit.

A bit of self reflection!

Today 172.4....what the actual fuck!

So what is food to me? I know a lot of people turn to food for comfort, replace a man with ice cream, rejection with cookies, even a scraped knee with a lolly. It's something we are taught from tiny...but why does it stay with some of us and not others? Actually I don't even think that that is a fair comment, because is seems to change day to day. Myself I have experience the ease of saying no, every avoidance gave me a high, every raised eyebrow pushing m further. But this time....man!! It is hard...I don't see immediate results, I give up so easily and I am far to easily persuaded! I have prided myself on my iron willpower....but where has it gone? I stuff my face...regretting it before it has even reached my mouth, or even the wrapper taken off, yet I still do it.
I think I use food as a distraction, something else to think about or do, to avoid doing or thinking about the thIngs that really need dealing with....but then I don't sleep well at all, am to tired and don't do the things that need to be done, and then feel overwhelmed again. I don't want to be this person, I need my control back. And the only way is to get a grip of myself and just damn well crack on!

Tomorrow is a new day, the first day of the rest of my life, a new attitude, a new set of promises, and new goal to achieve yadda yadda yadda .....I don't pray and I don't believe but if I did I would beg for the strength to make myself thin again I.......please woman get a grip of yourself!

Late weighing?

I always wake up, go to the toilet, strip and weigh, then weigh again to b sure. This morning

170.8 ( yes yuck) but....

I hurt my leg last night, and spent the night in A&E and got home after 8am!! I should of weighted then, but I went to sleep and got up at about 1.30pm so I weighted then. I will have to weigh tomorrow and see if its the same. I'm gutted, it means I won't be able to ride for a while, or do any proper exercise. I have very badly sprained my knee... It has swollen and tuned a lovely shade of black!

I have been observing people today....and how they can put things in their mouth without concern,
They don't appear to b weighing up the pros and cons, or deciding how they will balance the day and what they will eat, and this isn't just fat people, its skinny people to! They just eat what they want when they want, it's not fair!

All I want is to be thin!,!

And this is my year!

Purging!

Is very very not cool! I haven't done it in a while.... But tonight iv had a piece of toast with peanut butter, iv eaten fairly well so thought I cud have it, but I feel like a dog now. What the fuck was I thinking, Iv failed, I'm not gona get thin like this! I don't wana purge... It's one of those things that once I start I keep doin it...but I can feel it in my belly., making me fat. Arrgghhh why did I eat it....fat greedy bitch!

Tomorrow must be better!!