End of day two..... Fast broken.

I have spent the entire day feeling sick. A bit shakey I can deal with, but feelings so sick I can't. Having two kids on my own and not wanting to get up or move at all is not cool. I'm very disappointed. Iv done much longer and not felt like this at all. I think I will try next week.

I was goin to have a banana before training tomorrow, but its been cancelled, and I have to go out for dinner. it's like a taster night, so iv eaten tonight, but I won't eat until the meal tomorrow. And just eat a few nibble bits. I'm hoping that once iv eaten tonight I will feel much better tomorrow. As I'm vegetarian hopefully alot of it will be meat and I can easily avoid.

So this is what I'm breaking my fast with

Day two :s

162.8 I want under 50 by next tues.

So I had to kind of break my fast today. I woke up with shakes and slight sweats...nothing major. Iv always got the shakes in the mornings on water fasts but today I felt extremely sick! By 10 am I was even worse, and I have two kids to look after. I cannot make myself ill for my own selfish reason so I decided to eat one banana. I immediately threw it up. I was expecting to feel better
Pretty fast but I just felt worse. I was a bit worried that I wasn't going to be able to keep anything down. I ate a slice of bread with a tiny bit or spreads cheese. Figured the protein might help me feel better. That came up to, but not all of it I don't think, and less projectile...so I'm back on water. I feel less ill, still not quite right but able to function.

I'm not impressed, iv done days and days on just water and never been sick like this. I just hope I start to feel better soon. More water :)

Day one done.....almost!

So it's now 9pm. Iv had water and chamomile tea :)

I have had a shit of shit days!!

So I fell of my horse this morning!! So damn pissed off, was my fault. Horse bolted, as he does, and I dithered in myself which way to go, so he changed direction to quick and I came off! Got back on, very pissed of with myself! In the proses I dropped my car bipper out of my pocket. Into the sand.... So could get my car goin. Didn't realise tho till I was goin home, so I spend half hr raking the sand... Thinking I literally had no hope at all.... But miraculously one of the other girls found it!!!!

So come home, go back out.... Lock myself out!! And husband has hidden the spare one somewhere!! Finally got in thank goodness!

So food.... Well as we were locked out and I had two kids to feed I took them out. There had chips and stuff...and the chips were new out, crispy and hot and did look well nice, but I was quite happy not eating any. I bought myself a bottle of water, and didn't even lick a bit of mayo :)

Dinner. I had a friend round with her kids. She was goin out for dinner, so I just fed the kids. Make it easy not to eat. This evening is quite hard, I have a dull ach in my belly which I quite like. I want something hot tho.... Tea it is :)

Fasting

163 ..... All that was lost has been replaced.... Most depressing.


So although I swore never to again I'm am embarking on a water fast. Only for two and a half days. Weds, thurs, then I have kick boxing on Friday, so one hr before I go I will eat one banana, and have a small handful of nuts when I have finished. Then Saturday I will eat only raw, so salad, fruits and nuts. A small amount of avocado to. Then Sunday I go out for Sunday dinner, and I wud look weird if I didn't eat. However I am vegetarian and so only have veg and potato. I will only have a very small amount of potato tho, as the friggin ladle the butter in it o.O Then I will have fruit in the evening.

Monday I plan to go to three eating times a day, without stretching my stomach back to its inflated, hugely accommodating size.


I know it's hard, but I have done 14 days on just water before, so it's defiantly manageable. My problem is maintaining control once I begin to eat again. I will be posting as I go, to keep me motivated. I feel so deflated and wobbly at the moment. I self harmed yesterday evening, not badly, but I havnt done it for three years. I don't feel bad about it but I'm not doin it again. This body has enough scars and I have kids that would be scared confused and completely alienated if they ever were aware of it. I need to get a grip of myself, get some self respect and stop doin things that make me unhappy.


Pure clean empty

Any comments or followers would be appreciated about now :)

Been absent

163.4 slow progress but still fat as fuck!


Iv been busy with everything, riding, kids, bla bla bla. Iv also been in a mild state of depression and motivation for anything has been a challenge. My house has been awful, but I gutted it and scrubbed everything and feel a million times better.
Also my husband came home. He has been away on wk for 3 months, and has another 3 to do. We didn't think he would be able to get back at all but he managed to get a flight. I was so excited. Our relationship is trouble sometimes. I often feel unwanted and stupid. He has no passion and irritates the hell out of me. While he was away I did alot of thinking, and decided I'd wasted enough time not really committing to him, being unhappy and had given up on our marriage. I'd basically resigned myself to being married till the kids were grown in a mediocre marriage but not really happy. While he was away I change my mind, and decided that i needed to commit and contribute, and that was what I needed to do! However, since he's been back we have just slipped back into our usual ways which is very frustrating. I don't now how to fix it. Seems he is just another man who,aslong as his dick is looked after considers everything to be fine. Who wuda guessed. And yes I can keep up a fantastic sex life for two weeks but not forever. I don't know?.. More thinking I guess, and more accepting.


I'm pretty sure being thin will help me out here!

Keep plodding

170.4... Fat whore!

I have a friend, and older woman. Older, not massively I guess, but she is much more settled and mature, and seen more of the world I guess. Anyways she knows about my food issues... Well some of it. She had this rather unnerving way of asking questions, and expecting honest answers. Sometimes it's exactly what I need. She is kind And caring and incredibly honest. Anyways I like her a lot. I have a lot of respect for her, and she is one of the few people I actually want to share my time with. So I was working today and she had my kids, long story short she made me dinner. I thought I'd gotten out of the habit and want expecting it. It was perfectly health, steemed fish, salad and a small bit of avocado, but I hadn't planned it and just wanted to cry, plus I don't eat meat, and only just started eating prawns, once in a very long while. So fish was a big thing. But I just buckled up and got on with it, inside I was twisting and scratching but I rationalised throught it. After we were talk about it, and she was asKing why iv put weight on coz she never sees me eat hardly...was I a secret eater, I'm not but she just came out with it. And after I purged. I have no idea why, there was no need, I just cudnt hold it down. I haven't done it in months And months, but it was literally sitting at the back of my throat, I just squeezed and it cAme up. As i came back into the kitchen....she said... U didn't just vom my food did you. I couldn't believe it! I felt disgusted and such a fool. I outright denied it. But I felt so dirty. And i am silent...there is no way she cud of heard, and I was fast. And iv never told her that iv done it before.

I was just a step to far, I dont want to talk about it and I don't want to be the girl that hurls. I don't want her to think so little of me. And I defiantly don't want her to be concerned or try to have anything to do with this. But she defiantly shook me up!

Again!

170.9. ...how is this actually possible!

Coz I keep eating! Grrrr

My first two goals I achieved bar my own bedroom. And I have been exceptionally nice to the husband, and been very busy this week. My weight tho... A whole week an nothing is shocking at such a high weight. Maybe I should write all I eat, and then i can actually see it mounting through the day.

I have been working out every day, but ,my knee is not good, I'm having to ice after every evening.

My mum bought me some beautiful boots, they are stunning....but my legs r to fat for them, they fit fine like, but they just don't look right. They would look stunning with supper skinny black jeans. I want super skinny legs for supper skinny jeans! Iv finally ordered some decent jodhpurs for riding and some chaps to, I wanted to weight till a size 6-8 fitted but I need some now. I will have to order more once I am slim enough.

I am such a fucking disappointment to myself!

Weekly goals

Today 170.9 FAT BIATCH!!

So I'm back home, after spending like a month with my dads, its back to finding some form of reality. I'm quite out of the swing of things, and gona end up crazy if I don't get a grip of it!!

Sent this week my goals are

1) get my damn house straight
2) be super nice to my husband, iv waste to much time not making the best of my situation, which i should.
3) to only have 2 DVD afternoons with the kids next week...it's so damn cold and snowy that we keep getting wrapped up on the sofa and being lazy.

And also...I will get under 170 and stay there!! Three meals a day, but small and mostly veg! One hot choc in the evening, and maybe one piece of fruit.

A bit of self reflection!

Today 172.4....what the actual fuck!

So what is food to me? I know a lot of people turn to food for comfort, replace a man with ice cream, rejection with cookies, even a scraped knee with a lolly. It's something we are taught from tiny...but why does it stay with some of us and not others? Actually I don't even think that that is a fair comment, because is seems to change day to day. Myself I have experience the ease of saying no, every avoidance gave me a high, every raised eyebrow pushing m further. But this time....man!! It is hard...I don't see immediate results, I give up so easily and I am far to easily persuaded! I have prided myself on my iron willpower....but where has it gone? I stuff my face...regretting it before it has even reached my mouth, or even the wrapper taken off, yet I still do it.
I think I use food as a distraction, something else to think about or do, to avoid doing or thinking about the thIngs that really need dealing with....but then I don't sleep well at all, am to tired and don't do the things that need to be done, and then feel overwhelmed again. I don't want to be this person, I need my control back. And the only way is to get a grip of myself and just damn well crack on!

Tomorrow is a new day, the first day of the rest of my life, a new attitude, a new set of promises, and new goal to achieve yadda yadda yadda .....I don't pray and I don't believe but if I did I would beg for the strength to make myself thin again I.......please woman get a grip of yourself!