Keep plodding

170.4... Fat whore!

I have a friend, and older woman. Older, not massively I guess, but she is much more settled and mature, and seen more of the world I guess. Anyways she knows about my food issues... Well some of it. She had this rather unnerving way of asking questions, and expecting honest answers. Sometimes it's exactly what I need. She is kind And caring and incredibly honest. Anyways I like her a lot. I have a lot of respect for her, and she is one of the few people I actually want to share my time with. So I was working today and she had my kids, long story short she made me dinner. I thought I'd gotten out of the habit and want expecting it. It was perfectly health, steemed fish, salad and a small bit of avocado, but I hadn't planned it and just wanted to cry, plus I don't eat meat, and only just started eating prawns, once in a very long while. So fish was a big thing. But I just buckled up and got on with it, inside I was twisting and scratching but I rationalised throught it. After we were talk about it, and she was asKing why iv put weight on coz she never sees me eat hardly...was I a secret eater, I'm not but she just came out with it. And after I purged. I have no idea why, there was no need, I just cudnt hold it down. I haven't done it in months And months, but it was literally sitting at the back of my throat, I just squeezed and it cAme up. As i came back into the kitchen....she said... U didn't just vom my food did you. I couldn't believe it! I felt disgusted and such a fool. I outright denied it. But I felt so dirty. And i am silent...there is no way she cud of heard, and I was fast. And iv never told her that iv done it before.

I was just a step to far, I dont want to talk about it and I don't want to be the girl that hurls. I don't want her to think so little of me. And I defiantly don't want her to be concerned or try to have anything to do with this. But she defiantly shook me up!

Again!

170.9. ...how is this actually possible!

Coz I keep eating! Grrrr

My first two goals I achieved bar my own bedroom. And I have been exceptionally nice to the husband, and been very busy this week. My weight tho... A whole week an nothing is shocking at such a high weight. Maybe I should write all I eat, and then i can actually see it mounting through the day.

I have been working out every day, but ,my knee is not good, I'm having to ice after every evening.

My mum bought me some beautiful boots, they are stunning....but my legs r to fat for them, they fit fine like, but they just don't look right. They would look stunning with supper skinny black jeans. I want super skinny legs for supper skinny jeans! Iv finally ordered some decent jodhpurs for riding and some chaps to, I wanted to weight till a size 6-8 fitted but I need some now. I will have to order more once I am slim enough.

I am such a fucking disappointment to myself!