Wasted kcals!!!

Muller light yoghurt 100 kcals
Half piece of toast with low fat spread 100 kcals
Water with orange juice 50 kcals
Bite of cheese toast 30kcals
Picking at bits of cheese 50kcals
Piece of lettuce dipped in tiny bit of mayo 10 kcals
Couple of bites of a donut 150 kcals
Mouthful of lemonade 20kcals

510 total!!

Actual planned 250!
Wasted 260!!

I struggle between just thinking fuck it ,I'm only going eat what I plan, and picking infront of people so I don't look abnormal! Grrrrr

From now on I won't pick...

The aftermath!

172.....FFS!

So after finding out about my husband yesterday I drank everything I cud find in the house....stupidO .. And then had to go riding this morning...riding had and tender head, not cool!

I feel so deflated...it's not even that bad but I feel drained and worn down. I can't even b bothered to feel. I can't eat which is always a plus. I feel like iv been up all night crying.... And I haven't quite. The thought of him coming home and us playing happy family's like we have for the past few years just makes everything feel so damn pointless. Like what the point, ultimately I am wasting away my time...why...coz of the kids, coz it my whole life, the habits of day to day existence. Because I have no where else to go..... Is a mix all these things, but today I just feel down and moody, and pointless.



Stay strong and keep smiling.

So today 172.6...not impressed!

I am such a fat fucking cow. I am very drunk after finding out my husband has been chatting to some other woman on fb...completely inappropriately. I feel fat and ugly and like I bloody deserve it. Last year I fell head over heels for a married man, and carried on with him for a while...I kissed him but that was it physically, but I fell in love with him. I ended it all with him, coz I have kids with my husband mainly. We split for a short time but it broke my heart coz he was devastated, so we got back together. I feel like I deserve this. I am such a shit person, and I'm am fat and don't work out enough and I eat to much and she clearly has a much better body than me, as well as a better personality. She makes him laugh and is laid back and easy ... I'm uptight and grumpy and don't want sex coz my body is so fucking ugly... Seeing it is a turn off for me, so god knows what it's like for him! I'm gona get the best body in the world...fucking show them. I don't even know what to do I just hate myself....
I'm a cutter....although I haven't for 2 year or so...it always calls to me in times like this. I want to cut, I want see my blood roll over my skin. To feel the calming effects.. Like a hit ... It's washes over me. A carefree moment like nothing else I experienced. It take away all the pain, the stress, leaves me light, calm and in control. Dries my tears like no one else can.

But i don't, I can't coz it upsets to many people, frightens people. So I don't.

Where do we go
Where do we go now
Where do we go
Where do we go now

And in amongst it all, is the dull heart ache for the man I let go, that I fell in love with...but the one who didn't want me.

My dinner

Just a week or so of cutting down my portion sizes, and my stomach has clearly shrunk.


My dinner, and what I threw away. I am genuinely stuffed and can't eat any more. A very heathy dinner to, rice would maybe or been better, but I was in a hurry lol.

BEAUTIFUL BODIES!!!!

I want to be toned, and stunning, and have the thigh gap, and not like food, and say no without even thinking. I want be able to run for hours without dying, I want to not be able to push my thighs together no matter how much I try, i want my husband to be able to pick be fuck me without straining and me feeling like a fat bitch, I want to fit into my jeans that hang over my door every day to remind me what iv done to my body, I want to feel sexy and wanted. I want to be able to wear a really short skirt without looking slutty, I want to be so busy I'm not even bothered with food. I want to be able to do more sit ups that my husband, I want to be delicate and beautiful, I want to not have to worry about what I wear, I want everything to look good, I want to be able to sit with no rolls of fat, I want to be effortlessly thin.

Sit ups or

So this morning i am 171.4 still disgusting!

So last night I did my exercises, and more, I did.

50 back and up let exercises
125 ab exercises
100 arm exercises with weights.

The problem is that I did them really late at night, after my shower. My brother was at the end of the hall on the computer, and my dad came up to say night, but didn't come into me. As I was doing them I tried as hard as I could to hold my breath, but I had to breath at some point. And im really paranoid that it sounded like I was banging one out! I really hope don't think that. It's a bit of a difficult topic to bring up tho! Pmsl if I do it every night, then surely they won't think that I'm that sexually deprived?! Lol, I might just leave my weights out for them to see.

Anyways I have a bit of an ach today, but not to bad. I'm out singing tonight, and drinking, I used to drink beer, and quite like it, but I know diet coke and vodka is better. As long as it is diet coke, Which it wasn't other day when someone bought me a drink.

Shame!

I'm so pissed off with myself. I have eaten really well today. I had plenty of kcals left for dinner. Maybe even a glass of wine, but then I fucked it up. I am a very strict vegetarian, I ever drink milk, occasionally eat yoghurt and some cheese. If any meat has touched my plate I can't eat it. Well my dad made pasta in a cheesy sauce and mince, I was dishing it up for everyone and I just picked a piece of cheesy pasta and ate it. There was no meat on or near it, but it was covered in a sauce made with milk. About 10 mins later I ate more. I probably ate 2 forks full of disgusting milky cheesy pasta...and some meat defiantly when in. I don't understand why I did it, it wasn't even nice. I am thoroughly disgusted with myself.
I just feel fat and greedy. My children are being little monsters to, and won't sleep, so I can't even do some exercise. Gutted!!!